The whacking stick

The whacking stick

Living in downtown Toronto my husband Dave and I often encounter wildlife – like raccoons, squirrels and that guy who uses my garage door as a urinal.

We support a colony of about five feral cats by putting out bowls of cat food every day on our deck. We live in a beautiful 1890’s house in Moss Park. Our feral cats are probably the best-fed in town. I should say “my feral cats” because Dave can’t stand cats --but he indulges me by buying cat food – and feeding the cats.

The raccoons steal the cat food every night. One night, Dave was making chicken Marsala, because he loves cooking after a hard day at work as an engineer. I was working on my computer and got up to look out the window and screamed, “Gay avek!!!” Apparently raccoons don’t understand that in Yiddish I meant “SCRAM!”

Dave looked up from his pan of mushrooms and said, “Is it a raccoon?” “No,” I said, “It’s three raccoons.”

“Three raccoons? Louise, bring me my whacking stick!” he yelled.

“Oh please no, not the whacking stick,”I replied. But what could I do? When a man wants his whacking stick, he wants his whacking stick. So I brought it to him. His whacking stick is half of a dowel. We bought to hang our clothes in our wardrobe. The other half we keep in the kitchen to chase away the raccoons.

Dave tried to beat up the raccoons, making a lively scene like something out of a Benny Hill show. All the while, he was yelling at the raccoons to get lost and yelling at me, “Don’t forget to stir my mushrooms!”

I told our neighbour about the raccoon problem and he suggested hitting them on the head with a baseball bat instead.

Can you make the downtown homeless problem go away with a baseball bat? Even if it’s just a raccoon?

Across the alley from us the Salvation Army men’s residence takes in lost souls. The residents seem harmless. But some of the homeless in the neighbourhood seem feral, like they’re never going to take to indoor living. Charities feed them anyway. The raccoons just steal the cat food I put out.

Many people think downtown is a heartless neighbourhood, but they don’t realize it’s our neighbourhood and we try to look out for those who need help, whether they walk on two legs or four. And I turn the other way when the raccoons steal the cat food.